RADAR: PLACES TO HIDE IN LONDON WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK (DON’T PANIC JUNE 2012)
Argh! Zombies are on the loose in London! Where will you hide? Here’s our guide to the best and worst places to take cover in the capital.
Ah, shit. It’s finally happened. You know all those horror films you watched about zombies coming to (un)life, ripping the majority of the population to bloody, pulpy shreds and creating a whole mess of other zombies? Well, the cannibal mutagen dudes had a meeting and it’s been ‘actioned’. And now you’re stuck in London for it.
With 607 square miles and an extremely high-density population, London is actually a pretty awful place to be during a zombie attack. Think about it. There are nearly eight million people living in the city. Multiply that by one bloodcurdling, ultraviolent zombie apocalypse and you’ve got a lot of zombies. But, if you simply have to be in town when this is all kicking off, then these would be the best – and worst – places to hide. Good luck, comrade.
Bishopsgate Police Station
Possibly the best hideout in London. As a base for the police’s Armed Response Units, there is a ready arsenal of weaponry to suit any gung-go zombie killer, including sniper rifles, stun grenades and assault rifles. The place is also bombproof, comes with its own independent power generator and is hooked into the police’s entire city CCTV network, so you can keep an eye out for pesky zombie assaults. Emergency doughnut supplies available.
One for a big team of survivors, Centre Point is a building formed of 34 floors of pure reinforced concrete and steel, with Wi-Fi, a CCTV centre, and (as one of London’s tallest buildings) enough height to attract the attention of passing rescue helicopters. If you can secure all the exits, you should be sitting pretty – there’s also a swanky members club on the top three floors, so you can ride out the apocalypse in style!
What better place to survive the war on humanity than an actual warship? Moored near London Bridge, the HMS Belfast includes living quarters and a nice airy deck to get exercise on – oh, and it’s stuffed with machine guns, shells and torpedoes, and comes equipped with protection against nuclear, chemical and biological (including zombie) attack, not to mention up to 4.5 inches of heavy-duty armour protection. It’ll be like every shooter game you ever played made real! Plus, it’s cool when people call you ‘Captain’.
Elephant and Castle Mall
The jury’s still out on this one. On the one hand, a shopping centre seems like the perfect hiding place: securely built, access to unlimited supplies and enough space for teams to inhabit for long periods of time. However, the bigger they are, the more exits they’ll have, and the harder they’ll be to secure – remember Dawn of the Dead? Didn’t work out so well for those guys. For this reason, we recommend the Elephant and Castle Mall over bigger centres like Westfields. If you’re in a pinch, your local Tesco Metro shouldn’t fare too badly either.
Zombies can’t swim (as far as we know), so being mobile on the river is a great tactic to both avoid the undead and scout out safe areas. Assuming you don’t have a rich friend with a nice yacht to use, Southbank has a great selection of vessels for you to hijack. Why not make a day of it with a tour boat (these often come equipped with a bar, should you need to drown those end-of-civilisation sorrows)? For a really memorable zombie experience, go for one of London’s famous Duck Boats, which can traverse both land and water!
The London Eye
Zombie attacks are no time to take in the sights! Made of glass, highly visible, and there’s only one exit per pod? BAD IDEA. Plus, the structure moves excruciatingly slowly, so once you’ve been spotted by a nearby zombie gang, you’ll spend the next 30 minutes alternately crying, screaming and soiling yourself as you gradually move back towards ground level.
The O2 Arena
Get serious. Just because you really enjoyed that time you saw Rihanna play there doesn’t mean it’s going to be a good place to survive a zombie pandemic. It’s way too big to secure, and it’s obviously somewhere the government would choose as a citizen refuge base early on in the attack. With a capacity of 20,000, that’s a lot of soon-to-be-infected time bombs on your hands.
The London Underground
Sure, it might seem like a good plan at first. The Underground provides effective shelter (people used to hide in Tube stations during WWII) and comes with a whole subterranean network to hide in. But have you considered who (or what) might be coming in from the other end of the tunnel? Plus, everybody knows zombies are much, much scarier in the dark.
Written by Charlotte McManus
Posted on 18/06/2012, in Radar and tagged charlotte mcmanus, don't panic, don't panic magazine, funny, london, london attractions, london eye, london underground, o2 arena, offbeat, survival, zombie apocalypse, zombie attack, zombies. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.